It’s very freeing to write with the expectation that nobody is reading this. Remember the early days of blogging? Like the LiveJournal days when sharing had nothing to do with strategy and everything to do with channeling teenage angst?
Sigh. Those were The Days.
It’s Friday afternoon at 4:16. I am sitting at my favourite local pub, mostly because my favourite all-around-beer is very cheap here. Highly motivating.
I went to therapy today - fun fact. I’ve been very resistant to therapy for years, and still find myself resistant to it now.
You guys - I have a background in healthcare and stress management. So the fact that I’m struggling to cope with parenting stress despite everything I know is sometimes embarrassing to say. Also. I struggle to spell variations of the word :”embarrassment.” It feels like a lot of consonants for one word.
I can be a little over-analytical at times. Today I told my therapist that part of why I’m going to her is so I have someone who can tell me when I’ve done enough thinking and processing. My brain loves being busy…whether that’s an avoidance thing or not remains to be determined…but I have such a hard time getting my brain to stop. And then I wonder why I’m so freaking tired and anxious…she wasn’t wrong in calling out that it’s exhausting to think this much.
The thing is, I get really hung up on things being “productive” uses of my time. So when she asked about self-care lately, the only “non-productive” thing I could think of was reading a beautiful cookbook from front to back…and that even arose from trying to meal plan. Still productive. So she challenged me to do something that felt good, just because…and that doesn’t include mindless Instagram scrolling, which is my default.
Now. When she mentioned seeking out something for joy’s sake, I actually got angry. Like, “I KNOW THIS SHIT” kind of angry, because I do know it in theory. But what I’m struggling with is a connection between the cerebral knowing and the actual doing of things. As much as this is the advice I’ve given e.v.e.r.y.b.o.d.y I work with, being on the receiving end of it had me feeling patronized, and angry. Like. How dare you tell me this. I obviously know.
And yet, my practice of it is off.
I have tried a lot of the things that “should” be the answer…and then I get hung up on if it’s for productivity or because I enjoy it. Or do I enjoy it because I feel like it’s a productive use of my time? Am I running or working out for the endorphins, or because I feel like it will make my body more acceptable? I don’t know…and constantly checking my intentions is exhausting.
So. This brings me to the end of my beer, and time to get my kids. I don’t have an answer for any of this…I’m not even sure what the question is. But if my rambling is able to give someone else permission to wonder, is that enough?
Maybe. But also, I have been drinking.
Happy Friday, friends.