I remember coming to that realization when I was around 12 or 13 — an age where I'd been in the babysitting game for a couple of years and was starting to make enough money that I could buy my friends and family Christmas presents.

Prior to that, Christmas had always been about receiving gifts because kids generally have no money of their own and care a lot more about getting shit. But being able to pick out a special thing for someone that I loved, imagining how much they would love it, and actually seeing the look on their face when they opened the gift and loved it...holy hannah that felt good.

Whether it's giving the perfect gift, dropping off dinner for a friend going through a rough pocket, or being with someone until they make it to the other side of a hard feeling, showing up for and supporting the people that we love is part of what enriches our life — definitely a feel good part.

Accepting generosity, going through a rough pocket, or being stuck in a hard feeling...you know, the times that we need people to show up and support us? Let's be honest — it doesn't feel as "good."

But giving and receiving are a two sides of the same spectrum thing.

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One of the biggest lies I was sold during my indoctrination into growth and self-development culture was the power of (toxic) positivity — believing that happiness and feeling good all the time and in all circumstances was the goal. This practice often resulted in by-passing deeper issues, and coating them with a glittery veneer of gratitude and affirmations.

Toxic positivity views negative emotions as bad, and it often denies or minimizes their impact.

That’s a problem for a lot of reasons. If we aren’t willing to admit that “negative” emotions exist, we can’t do anything to tend to their effects, or to address the root cause of the pain.

(To be fair, for some people that’s kind of the beauty of TP — you don’t have to do anything about a problem if it “doesn’t exist” — but that’s whole other conversation.

And. I’m not talking to/writing for people who want to remain oblivious, because they aren’t interested in doing things differently. I’m here for people who want to create meaningful change, and recognize that creating change gestures wildlyout THERE requires change hand to heart in HERE.)

Alright. So.

I know that in theory I should write these emails so that they build to one big revelation or a-ha at the end, but I’m just going to go ahead and tell you the big takeaway about practicing Self-care now:

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After a year of writing whatever strikes my fancy on a Friday morning, I’ve actually planned out the next four Fridays. (I know. Huge deal.)

We’re going to take a deep dive into The 4 R’s of healthy boundaries and Self-care:

Retreat, Recovery, Reserves, and Revolution.
​

Each week I’ll include links out to emails I’ve sent + interviews I’ve done over the last year-ish, so that you can go down the rabbit hole and explore the early roots of this framework if the fancy strikes.

I hope that by the end of this series you’ll have a better understanding of the ways you can practice Self-care, set healthy boundaries, and honour your needs — wherever you’re at.
​

This week, we’re starting with Retreat.

​________

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I really, really like to read.

I always dreamed of having my own library, with wall after wall of books, and one of those sliding ladders so that you can reach the tall shelves...

Swoon.

When it comes to my reading habits, I'm the kind of person who usually has more than one non-fiction book on the go — and I like to jump between them, depending on what's piqued my curiosity that particular day.

A lot of what I learn from this dabbling ends up making its way into my coaching practice.

In yesterday's dabbling, I started to read "Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle," and I found myself nodding along and highlighting like crazy. So for today's email, I'm going to share a few tidbits that I'm ruminating on from this book.

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It has been a doozy of a year(s).

And I don't know about you, but I feel like I am reeeeeally starting to approach the limit of things I can take. Like, I'm strong...and I am very, very tired.

When my bandwidth is really tapped, my capacity to make decisions deteriorates. So when I start to sense the depletion setting in, I kind of pre-determine certain choices, to spare myself the mental pressure of choosing later.

For example, (almost) every time that I sat down to watch Netflix in the past month, I put on Modern Family.

Why? Because until recently, I hadn't watched it all the way through, there are a hundred seasons of it (so I knew it would last a while) and, it usually makes me chuckle. (This is also why I've watched The Office eleventeen times.)

Without that pre-determined choice, I just can't even. I will scroll the options on Netflix for endless hours without committing, and end up feeling frustrated and overwhelmed instead of relaxing and enjoying it...which defeats the purpose.

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When I was in school to become a massage therapist, I discovered there was a real stigma to combat around the legitimacy of the profession.

We were constantly trying to defend the power of therapeutic touch, and to position ourselves as healthcare workers instead of spa employees. That meant creating distance from anything that wasn't medically-oriented to focus solely on research and evidence-based practice.

#DOUBLEBLINDORBUST

It wasn't to say that there isn't a place for relaxation massage ("fluff and buff" as we liked to call it) but we, the massage therapy students, low-key turned down our noses at anyone who didn't do a complete orthopaedic assessment and develop a treatment plan spanning 4-6 weeks.

It was as if the existence of relaxation as the goal, or the use of "woo" words like energy undermined our efforts to be taken seriously.

We acted as if unmanaged stress wasn't a core problem; it was just another symptom.

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When I was a kid, I used to LOVE theme parks.

Roller coasters, spinners, straight drops that make your stomach jump to your throat — I loved them all. But if I had to pick a favourite, it would have been the dropping rides.

The Tower of Terror at Disney, the Drop Zone at Canada's Wonderland...there was something about the way that my insides would initially seize when the ride started to fall, and then somehow settle into the sensation when I knew I wasn't actually flying out of my seat, that I loved.

What I loved the most was getting off the ride, and feeling almost normal with just a lingering buzz of adrenaline...because then I wanted to do it all over again.

I wanted to go again because I knew that it would stop. I knew that it was short, it was contained, I could get off the ride, and elect to get back on it again.

That's not how I feel about 2020. (Or really, how it's felt since about 2016.)

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Fun fact about me: I used to work at a chicken farm.

I spent my weekends standing in front of a conveyor belt, picking and sorting eggs. I would also walk up and down the barn amidst 10,000 birds scanning the poo-filled ground for errant eggs that didn't make it into the conveyor-belted nests.

The work was repetitive and tedious, and this was long before mp3 players — let alone smartphones and podcasts — so the entertainment options were few.

(Read: There was one radio, and it got two stations.)

(Sometimes.)

Most of the time the only thing you could get reception for was a country station, and even though I didn't start that job as a country music lover, I definitely left as one because those country songs sure know how to hit you in the feels.

Along the way, I came across a song called Going through Hell by Rodney Atkins. I remember hearing it for the first time as I was driving down the highway, and it hit me haaaaard. I don't remember why, but I was hooked by the lyrics:

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That question changed my life.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a pretty fixed and limited idea of how my life should play out or what success would look like: engaged right after school (so everyone knew I was desirable and worth locking down) to someone from my church community (so they know I wasn't going to hell) and buying a house (so they'd know we were financially secure and making smart investments for our future).

We did "smart" things like go to the bank and have meetings and make spreadsheets and crunch numbers, and I found myself right on track to success with 3 princess cut rock kind of ring on my left hand, and a solid chunk of debt shouldered between myself and my ex.

There were a lot of warning signs for that relationship, and (luckily) we realized our incompatibility before officially tying the knot. But that didn't mean we were without a mess of logistics to untangle — mostly financial ones.

I won't lie — my coping strategy in the past was heavily reliant on avoidance.

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There's this myth that's circulating when it comes to time off, and it has to do with the idea that we need to earn it.

Like the list of things to-do — whether written by us or for us — is The Thing that we answer to when we want to take a break.

I call bullshit.

Because The List will never actually be done. The demands on your time, energy, and attention will not stop on their own. The belief that space for your Self will emerge when you've done enough is what has you running tirelessly very tiredly towards burnout.

Hustling to prove your work and earn your rest needs to stop.
And.
You are the one who has to say enough.

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When somebody asks,

"HOW ARE YOU?"

How do you answer?

I mean, it's a simple enough question, isn't it? At least, it's one that we get asked regularly.

But how often are you asked that question and you provide an honest answer?

Maybe you respond with a reflexive "I'm fine!" or "Things are good!" or "Keeping busy!"

(These days I say, "Rolling with the punches!" a lot because it feels the most accurate.)

If the inquiry persists, maybe you'll share some more details:

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When I started to put pen to paper and give voice to my Self-care and boundary-setting journey, I came up with the framework I call "The 4 R's".

(I know. Such a creative name.)

The purpose of the framework was to identify different phases of our Self-care journey, so that can we develop a better arsenal of tools to actually make the Self-care theory an active (and effective) practice. Because when you know where you're at, you can create a practice that tends to your needs.

Honestly, the way that I've come to understand Self-care has changed dramatically over the years...and even now it continues to shift and change.

Initially I called out the four R's/phases like this:

RETREAT → RECOVERY → RESERVES → REVOLUTION

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