Pressure is the thief of care
It’s time to say good-bye to the shoulds.
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Pressure being the thief of care is a constant theme that I see in the struggles people have with setting boundaries and practising Self-care.
We know we "should" rest or do things that bring us pleasure and joy, but we feel guilty when we do, or we perpetually feel like we aren't doing "enough" even though we also know we're currently extended well past our capacity. The pressure is relentless, and if left unchecked, it will rob you of the ability to soak up the rest and care you desperately need.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that most humans want to feel things like rest, pleasure, and joy. It’s why we do all the things, right? I do billable work because I need the money to put a roof over my head and keep the family fed, not because it's THE THING I want to do with my the majority of my time. For the most part, I do the things I want to do when I'm done the things I have to do.
Don't get me wrong — I love my work (probably more than most) but what I love more than writing client emails is going paddling with my family, having cuddle puddles on the couch, enjoying good food and drinks with my friends, talking about Taylor Swift, and laughing until my stomach hurts to name a few things.
Yes, work provides me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment, but so does gardening, writing for myself, helping others, and more.
The activities that aren't tied to income-earning not only give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment — they also help me experience rest, pleasure, and joy, which fill my cup in a very different way than the feel-goods I get from work.
I won't lie though — it can be hard to let myself be present in those moments for my Self because I’m shoulding all over myself.
For example:
If I want to make the most of a sunny weekday by taking the canoe out, but I think I should be using this time to work.
If I get a babysitter for a night out, but I feel like I should be at home tucking the kids in.
It’s exhausting, and it does not feel good.
A big part of my coaching work is helping people learn how to sit with their feelings of discomfort, and work through them in healthy and productive ways because Self-care isn't just about feeling good — it's about meeting the actual need that your feelings are trying to get your attention about. If you’re hungry, a glass of water won’t do the trick. And.
Before you can Self-care in a way that actually fills your cup, you have to identify the need that your feelings are pointing to so that you can meet that need.
This is something that many of us may understand in theory but struggle to put into practice because it’s hard, even if you’re one of the lucky few that has been taught how to peel that onion. That’s why I want to walk you through a couple examples of how those aforementioned “shoulds” can get in the way of practising Self-care in my own life, and how I work through them so that I can fill my own cup. Hopefully it gives you a few ideas for unraveling the stories that might be holding you back from putting your needs for rest, joy, and pleasure on the front burner.
Let's get started with the "shoulds".
Where I see most people (👋 it’s me, I’m the problem) get stuck is trying to answer feeling that comes from the "should", without uncovering the motivation for that pressure. Remember — food meets a hunger need, water meets a hydration need. Sometimes feeling thirsty feels a lot like feeling hungry, so I have to get clear on which need the feeling is flagging for so that I can meet it.
For me, pressure robbing me of joy looks like:
I want to make the most of a sunny weekday by taking the canoe out, but I think I should be using this time to work, or it might seem like I'm lazy/I don't care/I'll fall behind...
If I get a babysitter for a night out, I feel like I should be at home tucking the kids in, or they will feel abandoned/I'm a bad parent/I'm missing out on the "good days"...
The problem comes from responding to that feeling of pressure or fear, instead of meeting the cup-filling needs of pleasure/joy/rest that paddling or taking a night off would do for me.
If I don’t sit with those ick feelings and get to the root of them, I’ll end up creating a game of mental whack-a-mole, taking actions that won't actually help me feel better. Instead, responding to the "shoulds" will lead me to overthinking, overcompensating, and overreacting.
What I need to do is answer the story that's behind those uncomfortable feelings, so that I can do a values-check and use it to inform my next step.
Now let's unpack these stories I'm telling myself:
I want to make the most of a sunny weekday by taking the canoe out, but I think I should be using this time to work, or it might seem like I'm lazy/I don't care/I'll fall behind...
Am I actually lazy? No, I'm not. I know this because when I track my work, I'm usually amazed by how much I got done at the end of the week. Worrying about being lazy does not mean I am lazy.
Do I not care about my work? Absolutely not. The fact that I'm this worried about it is proof that I care a LOT.
Will I fall behind? I can't predict the future, so I have to ask myself, "am I currently behind?" because if I am, then I do have to get honest about my responsibilities and time management. But if I'm on track for getting things done, and in integrity with the quality of my work, the answer here is another no.
The results of my values-check isn't always an "A-OK, here's your permission slip to do what you want," sometimes I do have to give myself some tough love.
But without the values-check, I'm a lot more inclined to all the over-ing I mentioned before — and that is EXHAUSTING.
Remember: Your physical body cannot tell the difference between a real or perceived threat, and the perceived threat of shame spiral that result from unmanaged feelings will initiate a real stress response.
If you don't acknowledge the source of stress, it is unlikely to resolve.
Now let's unpack the second scenario:
If I get a babysitter for a night out, I feel like I should be at home tucking the kids in, or they will feel abandoned/I'm a bad parent/I'm missing out on the "good days"...
Will they feel abandoned? They might feel that... but what I know for sure is that I can't abandon myself for someone else's feelings — especially if I'm just guessing at them. What I can do is help my kids learn how to examine those feelings and build their own proof or security, so that even if they feel abandoned, they can check their experience and see if that’s actually the case.
Because the reality is that I can't be there for every moment to ease their pain and make things easier, but I can try and teach them how to answer their fears so they can navigate the emotional challenges they’ll come up against.
Am I a bad parent? Ah, "bad". What a fun, vague word that feels really charged but doesn't tell us much at all. What does "bad" mean here? Selfish? Mean? Neglectful? First I have to unpack what I mean by bad, so that I can ask myself: am I really those things? The answer is usually no. Am I chronically tired and occasionally short-tempered as a result, yes. Because I’m human.
It’s not enough to ignore these feelings because unless I actively challenge them and practice Self-compassion, those thought potatoes will turn the whole bag rotten.
So I need to answer those insecurities, AND, figure out where they're coming from. Like, who told me that being a good parent means being around all the time? Where is the association of time with love coming from?
Am I missing out on the good days? I feel like I’m constantly being told to enjoy and get the most out of the young years with my kids and it’s making me batty. I know it’s well-intentioned, that in the grand scheme these years are just a tiny blip, and that as my kids age, they’ll likely want to spend less time with me, not more. But that FOMO creates a special kind of pressure — a blend of urgency and scarcity that makes it feel like no amount of time will be enough with them, which is in exact contradiction with how my reality plays out because I definitely have an “enough” point with my kids that I hit on the regular.
While I wish that I loved the wee years with my kids, the reality is that I've found them to be very draining. And if I'm trying to be with my kids while I'm depleted, the "good days" quickly turn into "THIS IS THE BAD PLACE." Plus. My experience has been that these kids just keep getting better, so I don’t think the good days are behind me.
If I succumb to the pressure of "the good days" meaning this very specific pocket, or that being a "good parent" looks a certain way, or that any discomfort (which is different than harm!!) means my kids are being traumatized — and I devote all of my everything to living up to those unrealistic expectations — I am going to burn-out.
That recipe causes me to show up as... not my best... and not only does it rob me of the joy, rest, and pleasure in the moment, but it compromises the actual foundation I'm trying to build my relationships on'; relational foundations that require me to have the capacity to emotionally regulate and be present with the people I care about.
Setting boundaries and taking the time to Self-care isn't the problem, neglecting myself is.
Because when I'm able to take the space to identify the shoulds and answer the fears that underly my feelings of discomfort, I can set boundaries that limit the potential harm that unmanaged feelings can cause — and practice Self-care that meets my needs for real.
And what does setting that boundary actually look like?
It's a constant practice of naming the feeling and the story that fuels it, so that I can actively challenge the toxic narrative and take action based on what's really going on instead of reacting to the story in my head
When I think “I should be working” I tell myself: No, I already worked really hard and if I don't take this break, I know that I won't be able to focus and I will make mistakes. If I take this break — for real, not spend the entire time thinking about work — then I'll be able to sit down and my computer and feel ready to dive in, instead of feeling dread-y."
When I think "I should be tucking the kids in” I tell myself: I am home to put them to bed almost every night, and I need a break from the bedtime battle. If I let myself enjoy tonight, I'll be ready to wrangle the munchkins tomorrow, and I might even look forward to ‘just one more snuggle.’ 🤡
this boundary setting is about limiting the bandwidth you waste feeling bad about something that there’s no need to feel badly about. answering a misplaced feeling of guilt is a waste of your precious energy.
Remember: Guilt itself is not a bad thing. Its job is to nudge you to a do values check and determine whether or not you are doing something out of integrity so that you can course correct; that's healthy.
Shame, however, is not healthy because it creates a mental and emotional spiral. It tells us that we didn't do something bad that we can fix, it tells us that we are inherently bad — and that creates an emotional threat to the Self that the body is responding to, regardless of whether or not it's true.
That's why we have to practice checking those feelings.
And here's the thing: It isn't going to feel good or natural at first. The path of least resistance is for the brain to do what it’s always done, which might mean people pleasing or sacrificing your Self to make someone else feel some kind of way. We accept these stories without giving it a second thought — so I’m asking you to give it a second thought. And maybe a third. Even though it’s hard to do and feels like BS most of the time.
But with practice, you are going to get better at it. Trust me. You’re going to start building a body of evidence to support the truth that you aren't a total garbage human, and, that taking the time to properly take care of your needs does not lead down the path of realizing the fears underneath the shoulds.
the reality is that Ignoring your needs is what brings those fears to life. If you ignore the mounting pressure, it’s eventually going to blow — and explosions cause collateral damage.
This process isn't quick or easy, which sucks. I wish it was.
But I've been immersed in this Self-care and stress management work for more than a decade now, and over and over I'm reminded that you cannot just treat symptoms and expect the core issue to go away. In the case of this boundary setting work, getting to the core issue means being able to sit with and face those feelings that you'd rather avoid.
Because your feelings are trying to tell you something that you need to hear, and ignoring them costs you the rest, pleasure, and joy that you desperately need to feel whole.
So, don't let The Big Feels yuck your yum.
Instead, break the toxic cycle by learning how to sit with your feelings, connect with the need they're communicating, and take steps to meet that need in a meaningful way.
That's how you disrupt the stress cycle that spirals towards burnout.
I hope that unpacking this process was helpful, and that you feel better equipped to identify and stop some of those silly shame spirals before they take you out.
Until next time — J